My fight against my body

              A phone call to remember                                      I have numerous phone numbers I am always hesitant to answer, I know they are either medical or about my daughter who is battling her own issues. As I see the number pop up on my phone which came along with a name I knew as soon as I saw it was not good news (I was not in Utah when I got this phone call). My heart decided it would become so fast my head could not keep up with my thoughts, "Should I answer? What type of message would I get if I didn't? If I had questions how long would it take for me to get ahold of her again to get them answered?" As I walked to a quiet place to take the phone call, I could hear the words I was dreading to hear. She was sp...

                                                   ..One Year Ago.. One year ago I made the choice to put my life in the hands of a total stranger.. Trusting a stranger is never an easy task, I relied a lot on my family and friends reassuring me this was the right way to go, for I had gone as far medically in Utah that I could (or so I was told). I have a million feelings about this "anniversary", a lot of anger, sadness and failure. This was my first procedure they did not allow someone back with me while I was being prepped.. Bryan waited for an hour before they finally let him back, I updated a few people while waiting and Bryan tried all he could to hide his fear from me (jokes on him I already knew and was hiding my own) we sat...

Easter Easter is a time to celebrate the rebirth of Jesus.. It's now become a time for families to get together and plan a day of Easter egg hunts, candy, food and togetherness.. These are times I sit back and watch, take in every moment with my family and friends. Listen to their laughter, look at their smiles, listen and be involved in conversations. My parents have always made Easter a big deal and have been wonderful examples to my children. It is a time when the kids are actually outside and being kids (playing basketball, dodgeball, 4 square, ping pong, ect.) no one on electronics and everyone being involved. When it comes to eating all of my family have learned how to cook for me since I am unable to eat most foods, through trial and error I find the food that I can handle and that is what I'm drawn towards until the next "edible" food without consequence finds me. My family worries a lot about me and when we all get together they like to ask how I am doing...

Unless you've been stuck in a medical tornado you have no idea what it feels like to be spun so fast and hitting so many objects and obstacles that you find yourself questioning, "Why do I keep fighting if all I am going to feel is temporary relief with a ton of guilt?" I have so much anger, guilt, depression, sadness, frustrations with the medical field. I can not understand how someone like me who's terminally ill (with no expiration date), with a crappy quality of life, a family and friends who want nothing more than to help me. Sadly, since so many idiot humans have destroyed and betrayed insurance and medical trust due to their misuse it's people like me who suffer because of them! I pay my taxes, I pay for my insurance (who constantly fight me to not pay for something and are looking into any "fine print" to not pay), I pay my co-pays.. I do everything I am supposed to. Doctors tell me to "lessen my stress", now how the hell is that ...

I had a request from some friends asking why I've not started a blog about how I cope with life the way I do. Not going to lie, life has thrown me some pretty crappy cards. Having the poor quality of life I do as well as my diagnosis's most would lay down and throw in the towel. I had my first major surgery when I was 20; doctors decided maybe I needed my Gallbladder out because my symptoms (without testing) would show that to be the step to take. I'm here to tell you, it did not help. I had a hysterectomy when I was 21 after a miscarriage of twins, that would be major surgery number 2. I can not count how many ER stays I've had, I can tell you I've had 1 emergency surgery and that was last year (2016) if I would have let my stubbornness win I would not be here today. I had a mild heart attack in December of 2010 which is when I was diagnosed with *Superior Mesenteric Artery Syndrome; what that basically means is that when anything is inside my intestines they s...