One year ago.

..One Year Ago..

One year ago I made the choice to put my life in the hands of a total stranger.. Trusting a stranger is never an easy task, I relied a lot on my family and friends reassuring me this was the right way to go, for I had gone as far medically in Utah that I could (or so I was told). I have a million feelings about this "anniversary", a lot of anger, sadness and failure. This was my first procedure they did not allow someone back with me while I was being prepped.. Bryan waited for an hour before they finally let him back, I updated a few people while waiting and Bryan tried all he could to hide his fear from me (jokes on him I already knew and was hiding my own) we sat their quietly me constantly asking him if this was right.. How was he going to run the house without me.. I was reassured "Katie's got this, I will be home with our children and you will always have someone here with you. You're going to be fine and yes this is the right choice" So after he told me that for what was probably the hundredth time I finally took his word and stopped asking (of course I had a couple others with encouraging words as well). Tech's came in and out always telling us "Almost your turn".. What seemed like hours with hunger, headaches, anxiety, fears.. you name it.. It was finally my turn to go back. You always take that one last lingering look, reality, it could be the last one, the last time you hear that one voice, read that last text, remember your final words to everyone and theirs to you. Bryan I know had the same thoughts and fears but did not share them with me feeling that his would only make mine worse (but again, I already knew he had them). As the tech wheeled me down the hall we talked about mindless things mostly, one stood out, I said "I can't imagine pushing patients down this hall and up this hill all day" he responded, "Yeah it gives me my exercise that's for sure, I've only had 1 knee replacement" I laughed and told him "That's all?" he said "You'd think with some of the size of these patients I'd have more surgeries" I responded with, "I can see your point, well I'm glad to be your easy drive of the day" he laughed and said "you know, this bed is actually harder to push with you in it because you weigh nothing and these beds like people who weigh more than a feather" I laughed again and we arrived at my room. He told the nurses I was outside, wished me luck and walked away. So now I'm looking for a clock so I can see the time I got to the hall vs the time I actually go into the OR. First comes the nurse, then the anesthesiologist, then my surgeon and his team. I sign papers giving them consent and I'm wheeled into the OR. I am again looking for a clock and hating how cold the OR always is.. So many people, machines, talking, hands touching me, moving me, placing things all over me, marking me, more talking "What Time Is It" I have to know, I will not sleep until I do.. "It's time now, I'm going to start your medicine, you'll feel some burning but you wont feel it long, take deep breaths when you wake up you'll be done"
Boy did I wake up! I am sure the whole recovery room knew when I was awake.. Scrambling for the time again "What Time Is It??" This pain, these stupid nurses have me tied tight, I can't move, my belly hurts, my head hurts, I can't breath.. More meds.. Sleep.. I do not remember much now, I know I am on a floor and Bryan is there, I have no memory of him and his time before he left to the airport to pick up Steven (my next caregiver/my best friend) to bring him to the hospital and showing Steven where the hotel was vs where I was. I know Bryan told Steven that once I'm discharged I will be in the hospital hotel and that is where my mom will be staying.. I hear things from Steven about what I did and said while I was there. Apparently I was hallucinating and hilarious lol, seeing things, bears, trucks, and other random things. I was upset I was unable to eat but then I wasn't hungry. I did a belly check (I always have to see what the doctors have done) and I always take pictures.. From looking down it didn't seem to shabby, such pain for such little incisions.. It's now becoming hard to breath, I call my nurse (it is very early in the morning and Steven is at the hotel) he immediately calls the resident who comes in after checking my vitals and symptoms, "Doc, help me please, I can not breath, my chest hurts so much" "Yes you've been running tachy all night and your blood pressure very high" as he turns to the nurse orders a stat chest x-ray and blood work (Yay more pokes). A guy came to get me and took me far away from my room. I felt as though I was in the basement, those you see on scary movies.. And he took me into the room where I was then x-rayed. Once done I was wheeled out and put in a hall and left.. Panting, cold, hurting, scared and no one around. After what felt like hours someone finally asked me "What are you doing here?" "Um, I had an x-ray and no one took me back" "Oh, I bet your the one we've all been looking for, I'll take you back now" Baffled and pissed pretty much summed up the ride back, I couldn't breath, I couldn't talk and I was to mad to even yell, how dare they ditch me! The resident was in my room by the time I arrived, he informed me that my lung was nicked during surgery "which I knew was a risk" they'll watch me closely for the next couple days and he's ordered blood, I am becoming anemic now.. He medicates me and I go to my hallucination world. I woke up and took pictures when my nurse was giving me another bag of blood and I asked him if I was okay.. He looked shocked and responded with "well are you?" How would one answer that? Gee no, I can't breath, my body is full of fluid, you idiots nicked my lung and captain obvious here asks me if I'm okay. Idiot. NO I AM NOT! I remember telling Steven what had happened during the night and he looked scared and mad at the same time, mad because I didn't call, scared because he wasn't there. I do not remember if I told Bryan or if Steven did. I know I told Steven I feel like an elephant and all my limbs were so fat and swollen I couldn't walk but he knew I needed to. So we took a very short walk before the pain came, and I could not breath, fun right? I slept most of the day that day and if I didn't I don't remember anything. I woke up in a panic around 2:30am, a terrifying smell, a smell only those who have been around an infection know.. I called my nurse, said my side is hurting and I asked him if he could smell what I could. He nodded and left quickly, now I was not awake enough to make that one call to Steven or Bryan telling them I have a funny smell, why would I do that? This was supposed to go smoothly. 3:30 my room flooded with residents.. I have a massive E-Coli infection and they needed to cut me open and get what they could out. I begged them to let me call Steven so he could be there with me and they said no, I needed it right now. "Why, I've gone all night and he's less than 10 minutes away, I'll be okay" I saw him pull a knife out and I begged and cried to pleaded to let me call.. He cut me.. A pain only scary movies are made of, I have never in my life felt that pain, ever! People holding me down, telling me to be quiet they're almost done as he's squeezing, poking, stuffing my side. I wanted nothing more then to kill them all. As they were leaving the resident turned to the nurse who was comforting me and said "better give her some pain meds, she needs them" and shut the door. I called Bryan bawling telling him what they did to me. He called Steven.
Things progressed for me after that, slowly but I can now walk half the hall and back, I showered, put on clothes and lost my "blood grenade". Discharge time, you'd think is happy but I still had 3 more days here before I could go home. Steven got me to the hotel room and left to go get my mom from the airport, when they got back my nurse had just gotten there to do wound care. "It won't be that bad, at least they can watch so they can do it for you" Screaming, Crying, Steven holding me down, my mom trying to hold it together but she can not, this was round 2 of my horror movie. Steven telling me anything to make me focus on him and not what she's doing. When she was done, my mom medicated me. As the nurse left she says "That shouldn't have hurt so bad, you may want to call" My mom did my wound care the next couple days. One day when she pulled out my gauze a funny looking "stick" came out with it and was sticking out of my body. Both of us confused and scared I called the hospital, I talked to a doctor who told me to take a pic and send it to her. She responded with, "It's a stitch just cut it" umm okay..
Next day, time to visit doctors, I can not walk far so my mom got her work cut out for her by pushing me everywhere. The pain in my side will not ease. I bring it up numerous times and it went uncared for. After meeting with all my doctors we got the approval to finally fly home, YAY! I am still worried about my side, it hurts so much. Dr said I can fly and it's my infection that's hurting. I'm not stupid and I knew he was wrong, but we left anyway. The airport was a joke, I was treated as if I was smuggling something in, I was lucky and not only got two very public pat downs I was then taken into a back room where my mom was not allowed to come and got another one. I was pissed to say the least. The lady who was pushing me to our gate ran me into a bench.. Awesome.. This is not going the way it should.. We get me on the plan, medicated and ready to fly, it was a short flight, we flew to Minnesota. We had a very short layover and the gate was calling my name to pre board when we turned the corner. I was really starting to hurt but kept telling my mom, it's okay, almost home.
Mid flight, I took a massive turn for the worst.. The pain would not go away, so very painful. The flight attendant doing all she could do to help, asking if I needed an ambulance. I was in the fetal position on the floor doubled over and begging the flight to please end soon.. By the time we got to Salt Lake I was so tired, grumpy, hurting and angry I was not in the mood for anyone. I could not walk to the luggage area so we sat and waited...and waited...and waited.. My mom went on the hunt for a wheelchair so we could leave. When we came around the corner their was my family, my support, my tears of happiness that I was home and okay.. I ruined that homecoming, the pain and the aggravation was to much for me. I did appreciate it though, I just didn't say it. My side hurts, so much.
Home sweet home, the couch became my bed for weeks. Not moving much, wound care was going better but my side, that pain, it wouldn't stop.. Two weeks later after getting home, the pain was so bad I could not breath, Bryan rushed me to the ER, I skipped the whole registration part and was taken straight back to a trauma room where a team was waiting, things were moving so fast. The pain, it won't stop.. People touching, rushing, poking me, undressing me, the room spinning, the pain it hurts.. I hurt so very bad.. I hear Tamarra you need surgery immediately Gold Cross is here to transport you, you're going to St. Marks, Bryan has already talked with your surgeon. I'm scanning the room for Bryan I see him, he comes in and assures me this is the right choice and I have to have this surgery or I will die. I knew my side hurt, instant anger flooded over me, good, I like this emotion. The doctor medicated me one more time and I was on my way to the ICU via ambulance. My first ICU stay..
I see my surgeon "Hey hummingbird" (yes that is what he calls me) I smile and respond "Hey McKinlay, I bet you are so not happy to be doing surgery at 1:30am" he smiled and said "No, but if I needed to do it, I'd rather it be my humming bird that keeps flying, I'll see you inside, you need surgery soon" I was wheeled into another OR, Mckinaly came in, held my hand as I cried silent tears.. "I'm so sorry humming bird, I will fix this and you will wake up"
I woke up in the ICU, looked down and saw my abdomen full of staples, I was so mad, I didn't want this big scar. Mckinlay came in and told me he tried to not cut me open but with my vitals they left him with no choice but to cut me open. He told me he didn't cut through my belly button because it was so cute. That made me laugh, then he patted my shoulder and told me he'd see me later.
2 days later I left the hospital.

As I sit here a year later and think of everything I've been through I can honestly not have done it without the support for not only me, but for my family as well. Last year was by far the hardest year of my life. Yes I am facing more uphill struggles than I should be, but, I will keep going until my body finally decides no more. I have a lot to be grateful for. I have a lot of people I'm also grateful for as well. Not only do they reach out to Bryan, me, the kids, our family and friends they came together and helped in any way they could. Bryan and Steven ran like a well oiled engine in taking care of me and the kids, Katie came out from Minnesota to take care of our kids, my mom had the rough part in Cleveland, Natalie checked on me daily, my dad awaited texts every day, Jessica helped with our kids, neighbors and friends all helped, strangers helped, so many people reached out. You never know the kindness of people when it's over shadowed with hate and ugliness. So, if you were to ask me if this was all worth it, I honestly can not answer that. I know it bought me some time and I know I am fighting a battle that one day I hope to beat, but without my family, my friends and those who care, this fight would be harder than it already is, so, thank you to everyone for every single thing. It has not gone unnoticed or unappreciated. Life is as long as you make it and as full as you want, remember life is precious and to those who seem okay, maybe they're not, they're just tired of telling everyone the same thing. A smile hides a thousand feelings, but my eyes, that's the truth, that is what I can not hide from those who know me, the real me. For those of you wondering, yes I hurt, every day, yes sometimes the pain wins and I do not move, yes I am working, yes I have my children to take care of, yes I have a house that needs to keep going and as long as this humming birds wings keep flapping I will keep going. I honestly cannot thank everyone enough for the generosity, love, compassion, help, listening ear, phone calls, texts and messages.. They all were heard and read.
I struggle daily, but most would never know. I push to far more often than not, but most would never know. My love of laughter is what helps, my family, my friends, those are reasons as to why I keep going, that and I'm truly one of the most stubborn people you will ever meet (ha! you know I couldn't keep this all serious) So maybe one day, we will all find out together, what my purpose is as to why I have the things I do and maybe once someone isn't afraid to help my complicated stubborn butt, they will find a cure and I will be the reason for that. Keep on smiling at the small things and laughing daily, those are the memories you want. The pain is temporary, the memories are forever!