My fight against my body

I have been quiet for quite some time, I'm sure you've noticed. A lot has happened these past 2 months. Many things that take many hours and days to process. You know the stages; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I am stuck in a tornado between anger and depression. I am not in denial, I have accepted the fact that I am sick and I will never be cured. I have fought so many doctors to help me that I've become worn out and sick of fighting. I am baffled by the amount of so called "medical professionals" who know nothing about my illnesses and if they do its very small. I have a rare and complicated case of sever gastroparisis with diverticulitis both of those are paralysis of the GI track, having those two combined with my two heart conditions is just a recipe for failure. I have been off of my TPN feeds for a month and a half now, testing my body to see what it does or does not do. Being on TPN I felt no different other than "feed sick"

Ahh NPO.. I've said "Are you kidding me!" So many times it's now a constant shake of my head with so many disappointments it's ridiculous. My central line has flipped on its side, my nurse says "Wow I've only seen this once and I couldn't access but let's try anyway" not only did this person miss, they missed so bad they bent the needle inside against the wall of my port. "I'm so sorry girl, so sorry. Man, I need to do it again" as they bend the needle back and try to re-access again; now keep in mind, I am in pain and it did not register the huge red flag this person has now done. This time the needle brakes.. "Oh man, I am so so sorry girl.. Do you have one more access kit? I'm going to attempt one more time" Lucky me I had one.. They had me lay on the floor, weird I've never been accessed on the floor, I've always been sitting up. But, I do as I'm asked. As I'm laying there I know something

       Lets start this one from 7 weeks ago.. 8 weeks ago it was decided that I needed a TPN line; also known as a central line. What this is it's supposed to do for me is force my body to absorb nutrients in hopes that I will gain weight and all in all just feel better.        I was told check in time is 6:00 am.. Holy Moly that's early! But the sooner it is the sooner I get to eat. :) As Bryan and I are driving around the hospital trying to find out where to go we finally get directed to the correct place.. the cath lab.. The nurse takes us back and as I get ready we seem to always be a ray of sunshine and always make light of the situation we are facing, we'd rather laugh than be quiet and wonder about all of the "what if's". After the nurse is done doing the "serious stuff" we joke around some more while waiting for my doctor to come in. Enter doctor no personality! She says, "Do you need this for chemo? This is the type of line we use f

I have so many thoughts and constantly wondering how to put into words what those are without writing a novel. So many people misuse the medical system that those of us who truly do need help we are made to feel as though what our complaints are cannot be "that bad". Have you felt what I do? Can you do what I can and cannot? Does your body choose for you what you can do for the day? I replay and second guess any and all medical issues and feeling that I have, "Am I really not in the pain that I feel? Do people really make up these type of symptoms? How come they can fake them so well they get the treatment I need but yet I cannot get that treatment because it's not real? Or not bad enough? I have been referred to a colon/rectal surgeon (awesome) for a consult for a complete Colectomy (where they remove the entire large colon and intestine). I did my research on the surgeon I was referred to which she has great reviews and many 5 stars which is a wi

              A phone call to remember                                      I have numerous phone numbers I am always hesitant to answer, I know they are either medical or about my daughter who is battling her own issues. As I see the number pop up on my phone which came along with a name I knew as soon as I saw it was not good news (I was not in Utah when I got this phone call). My heart decided it would become so fast my head could not keep up with my thoughts, "Should I answer? What type of message would I get if I didn't? If I had questions how long would it take for me to get ahold of her again to get them answered?" As I walked to a quiet place to take the phone call, I could hear the words I was dreading to hear. She was speaking so fast and my mind racing with questions and wondering "Why me? Why can't I just catch a brake?" I was on a conference call, there was more than one person on the other line. "Tamarra you need a full colectomy and

                                                   ..One Year Ago.. One year ago I made the choice to put my life in the hands of a total stranger.. Trusting a stranger is never an easy task, I relied a lot on my family and friends reassuring me this was the right way to go, for I had gone as far medically in Utah that I could (or so I was told). I have a million feelings about this "anniversary", a lot of anger, sadness and failure. This was my first procedure they did not allow someone back with me while I was being prepped.. Bryan waited for an hour before they finally let him back, I updated a few people while waiting and Bryan tried all he could to hide his fear from me (jokes on him I already knew and was hiding my own) we sat their quietly me constantly asking him if this was right.. How was he going to run the house without me.. I was reassured "Katie's got this, I will be home with our children and you will always have someone here with you. You'

Easter Easter is a time to celebrate the rebirth of Jesus.. It's now become a time for families to get together and plan a day of Easter egg hunts, candy, food and togetherness.. These are times I sit back and watch, take in every moment with my family and friends. Listen to their laughter, look at their smiles, listen and be involved in conversations. My parents have always made Easter a big deal and have been wonderful examples to my children. It is a time when the kids are actually outside and being kids (playing basketball, dodgeball, 4 square, ping pong, ect.) no one on electronics and everyone being involved. When it comes to eating all of my family have learned how to cook for me since I am unable to eat most foods, through trial and error I find the food that I can handle and that is what I'm drawn towards until the next "edible" food without consequence finds me. My family worries a lot about me and when we all get together they like to ask how I am doing