Technical difficulties

Ahh NPO.. I've said "Are you kidding me!" So many times it's now a constant shake of my head with so many disappointments it's ridiculous. My central line has flipped on its side, my nurse says "Wow I've only seen this once and I couldn't access but let's try anyway" not only did this person miss, they missed so bad they bent the needle inside against the wall of my port. "I'm so sorry girl, so sorry. Man, I need to do it again" as they bend the needle back and try to re-access again; now keep in mind, I am in pain and it did not register the huge red flag this person has now done. This time the needle brakes.. "Oh man, I am so so sorry girl.. Do you have one more access kit? I'm going to attempt one more time" Lucky me I had one.. They had me lay on the floor, weird I've never been accessed on the floor, I've always been sitting up. But, I do as I'm asked. As I'm laying there I know something's not right but my mind just couldn't focus.. My nurse is explaining how they're going to get it in "I need to grab your port and pull it straight so I can get in" okay.. breath.. Tears came faster than I could stop them.. it's wrong, it's not right, it hurts.. "I'm getting blood back so I know I'm in your vein, I am so sorry girl.. please call me if the pain gets worse and call your doctor. You are so sideways, I'll make a special note that you need experienced nurses to access you" as they left, I was left with the absolute "Did that just happen? How is my home health nurse not experienced?"

Here's my question, to those who know, what did my nurse do wrong that could have made me septic or worse? If you said, they accessed you twice with the same needle you are correct. That's a huge no-no.. that did not register until I talked to my doctor the next day.. the pain in my arm and chest is crazy.. the only reason I'm not admitted is because I do not have a fever nor signs of septic/infection. I am however, in the hospital tomorrow (or today however you look at it) this post is more a rant, an update of yet more setbacks, more hoops, more precautions.. pissed is an understatement.. I hate the er, therefore I do not go unless I am 100% unable to pain manage myself.. Tomorrow I am the lucky rarity of a sideways port somehow still accessed with swelling and bruising for all to see.. The plan for now, well, their isn't one because they're unsure of why or how this has happened. I am central line dependent since getting it in I've held steady at 102 (that's a huge deal for me) that being said, central lines suck! And they truly hurt.. Tomorrow is supposed to be day surgery, what they decide to do I will not know until they see me. Tomorrow no warning of what's happening only what might. My head is spinning with anger, doubt, regret, frustrations.. How can I nail every single complication? Why am I "the soldier" chosen to walk this very mean and painful walk? People say "God only give you what you can handle" I can say, God doesn't know me well enough to make that call.

So, here I go again, another procedure to fix another foreign object my body so hastily tries to reject. My body doesn't absorb so everything has to be through this port. It's like my body is playing a huge game of chess and constantly check mates my odds.. Stubborn, strong willed and straight up mean is how I keep going. I've always said, my body is not the boss but is my controller, it will not determine when it's had enough, I will. My body is persistent though.. Satcaatic yay.. 
 

I should be sleeping, not up being angry and hungry.. This pain is persistent I can assure you, my body and I battle one another daily. It hates me as much as I hate it. I see the frustrations on my "teams" face as my body silently laughs and takes this as a game. I see the doubt and hear the words that make no sense to either of us. Closing my eyes and breathing no longer works, so I've turned to blog venting.. Should be a trend. Few can picture my smirk as I write these, few will also get my sense of humor. I have to laugh, if I do not, I will drown and I will loose this battle sooner than I intend to. Tonight I have the upper hand on this messed up game of chess, I will await my body's move, which the doctor will play part of; 2 against 1.. Let's see who wins..